The Poo Guru

The Poo Guru

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Some people read tarot cards, some people read tea leaves, but I have always been able to read poo. It started way back when I was 9 years old and my mom taught me the secrets in the bowl. I have decided to share my secrets with you, so that you can be a poo guru too.

My mom studied herbs when I was a young child and I remember she would investigate every aspect of our bodies. She would shine lights in our eyes, she would scrape our tongue, smell our ears, look up our noses and pull out our hair. But the one thing I remember the most is my mom asking us to wait to flush the toilet until she could come in and inspect our poo.

We would hear all about how constipated or dehydrated we were, or how we didn't chew our food thoroughly enough if she found whole particles of food in our stool. After her detailed investigation, she would determine whether or not we needed some special foods to make everything better.

When I was nine years old, my mom was having a little luncheon with some ladies; helping them find the herbs and supplements they needed in order to extricate the perfect poo. Of course she did not say it was for the poo, but rather for some fancy descriptions of health I did not understand. I was relieving my own poo in the bathroom near the dining room and could over hear every word. I knew it was an important meeting for her, but I just could not help my nine year old self.

"Mooooooom," I called from the bathroom, "I pooped. Do you want to come look?" I knew she would be embarrassed, but who knows why we do the things we do as kids. My mom did enter the bathroom, with a look I too have perfected as a parent, which scares the living daylights out of my children. My plan worked, I do not remember her invading my privacy with poo from that day forward.

Now as a parent, I try to sneak in to see my own children's poo, but I try to respect their privacy and never ask them about it. I just try to steal a glance and see where the shape falls on a stool chart.

Oh yes, there are stool charts. Have you ever thought to look where your BM ranks in the world? Just look up stool charts online and you will find all sorts of fun. Or better yet, simply take a look at the Bristol Stool Chart here.

We all want to have Type 4 shapes of soft snake-like stools that sink into the pot every day. But, nobody is perfect and it should be expected that the occasional hard balls or runny sauce will most likely be a part of your repertoire. The trick is to know what all of the shapes and consistencies mean.

The simple rule of thumb is this: hard nuggets have had too much time to form and and are blocking you up. DRINK MORE WATER! I would also recommend that you eat more fiber in the form of fresh vegetables, a lot of them, especially dark leafy greens.

If you are on the other side of the equation and you could not tell the difference between a pee or a poo, your body is trying to get rid of something. It may be a food sensitivity reaction, a virus, bacteria, really poor quality food, or something you simply cannot digest. The same rule applies: DRINK MORE WATER!

All of the water that would normally be reabsorbed in your large intestine is recruited in a case of emergency to flush out the bad guys. Therefore, you are in great risk of dehydration. Give your body a hand and drink more water to flush out the invaders.

Our bodies are intelligent beings that give us signs everyday on how we are internally operating and functioning. Every time I told my mom I had a headache, she would immediately ask, "have you pooped today?" After I said "No, I am not constipated I have a headache." I would roll my eyes at her interrogations, but secretly admit she was right. One of the primary signs of dehydration is a headache and a more serious sign is constipation. Dr. Batmanghelidj says it best in his book, Your Body's Many Cries For Water,

"You're Not Sick; You're Thirsty. Don't Treat Thirst with Medication.

Next time you hear a less than pleasant experience coming from the bathroom, see if you can help your child out. Remember the chart above and when in doubt simply tell them to DRINK MORE WATER! With time and practice, you can skip the doctor's office and become your house's very own poo guru.

 

 

 

 

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